The Other Teddy Roosevelts Read online

  I realize that you are a busy man, but while I cannot go into detail, I beg you to give these questions your most urgent attention.

  Yours very truly,

  Theodore Roosevelt

  ***

  Letter to Dr. Charles Doolittle Walcott, Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution, July 13, 1898:

  Dear Charles:

  I have a strange but, please believe me, very serious question for you. Can a complex animal life form exist without gender? Could it possibly reproduce—don’t laugh—by budding? Could a complex life form reproduce by splitting apart, as some of our single-celled animals do?

  Please give me your answers soonest.

  Yours very truly,

  Theodore Roosevelt

  ***

  Excerpts from monograph submitted by Theodore Roosevelt on July 14, 1898 for publication by the American Museum of Natural History:

  …The epidermis is especially unique, not only in its thickness and pliability, but also in that there is no layer of subcutaneous fat, nor can I discern any likely source for the secretion of the oily liquid that covers the entire body surface of the creature.

  One of the more unusual features is the total absence of a stomach, intestine, or any other internal organ that could be used for digestion. My own conclusion, which I hasten to add is not based on observation, is that nourishment is ingested directly into the bloodstream from the blood of other animals.

  The V-shaped mouth was most puzzling, for what use can a mouth be to a life form that has no need of eating? But as I continued examining the creature, I concluded that I was guilty of a false assumption, based on the placement of the “mouth”. The V- shaped opening is not a mouth at all, but rather a breathing orifice, which I shall not call a nose simply because it is also the source of the creature’s vocalizations, if I may so term the growls and shrieks that emanate from it…

  Perhaps the most interesting feature of the eye is not the multi-faceted pupil, nor even the purple-and-brown cornea, which doubtless distorts its ability to see colors as we do, but rather the bird-like nictitating membrane, (or haw, as this inner eyelid is called in dogs) which protects it from harm. Notice that although it could not possibly have known the purpose or effects of my rifle, it nonetheless managed to lower it quickly enough to shield the eye from the main force of my bullet. Indeed, as is apparent from even a cursory examination of the haw, the healing process is so incredibly rapid that although I shot it three times in the left eye, the three wounds are barely discernable, even though the bullets passed entirely through the haw and buried themselves at the back of the eye.

  I cannot believe that the creature’s color can possibly be considered protective coloration…but then, I do not accept the concept of protective coloration to begin with. Consider the zebra: were it brown or black, it would be no easier to spot at, say, a quarter mile, than a wildebeest or topi or prong-horned deer—but because God saw fit to give it black and white stripes, it stands out at more than half a mile, giving notice of its presence to all predators, thereby negating the notion of protective coloration, for the zebra’s stripes are, if anything, anti-protective, and yet it is one of the most successful animals in Africa. Thus, while the creature I shot is indeed difficult to pick out in what I assume to be its natural forest surroundings, I feel that it is brown by chance rather than design.

  …Field conditions are rather primitive here, but I counted more than one hundred separate muscles in the largest of the tentacles and must assume there are at least another two hundred that I was unable to discern. This is the only section of the body that seems criss-crossed with nerves, and it is conceivable that if the creature can be slowed by shock, a bullet placed in the cluster of nerves and blood vessels where the tentacle joins the trunk of the body will do the trick…

  The brain was a surprise to me. It is actually three to four times larger and heavier, in proportion to the body, than a man’s brain is in proportion to his body. This, plus the fact that the creature used a weapon (which, alas, was lost in the current of the river), leads me to the startling but inescapable conclusion that what we have here is a species of intelligence at least equal to, and probably greater than, our own.

  Respectfully submitted on this 14th day of July, 1898, by

  Theodore Roosevelt, Colonel

  United States Armed Forces

  ***

  Letter to Willis Maynard Crenshaw, of Winchester Rifles, July 14, 1898: Dear Mr. Crenshaw:

  Enclosed you will find a sample of skin from a newly-discovered animal. The texture is such that it is much thicker than elephant or rhinoceros hide, though it in no way resembles the skin of either pachyderm.

  However, I’m not asking you to analyze the skin, at least not scientifically. What I want you to do is come up with a rifle and a bullet that will penetrate the skin.

  Just as importantly, I shall need stopping power. Assume the animal will weigh just under a ton, but has remarkable vitality. Given the terrain, I’ll most likely be shooting from no more than twenty yards, so I probably won’t have time for too many second shots. The first shot must bring it down from the force of the bullet, even if no vital organs are hit.

  Please let me know when you have a prototype that I can test in the field, and please make no mention of this to anyone except the artisans who will be working on the project.

  Thank you.

  Yours very truly,

  Theodore Roosevelt

  ***

  Private hand-delivered message from Theodore Roosevelt to President William McKinley, July 17, 1898:

  Dear Mr. President:

  Certain facts have come to my attention that makes it imperative that you neither recall the Rough Riders from the Island of Cuba, nor disband them upon signing the Armistice with Spain.

  There is something here, on this island, that is so evil, so powerful, so inimical to all men, that I do not believe I am exaggerating when I tell you that the entire human race is threatened by its very existence. I will make no attempt to describe it, for should said description fall into the wrong hands we could start a national panic if it is believed or become figures of public ridicule if it is not.

  You will simply have to trust me that the threat is a very real one. Furthermore, I urge you not to recall any of our troops, for if my suspicions are correct we may need all of them and still more.

  Col. Theodore Roosevelt

  “The Rough Riders”

  ***

  Letter to Secretary of War Daniel S. Lamont, July 20, 1898:

  Dear Daniel:

  McKinley is a fool! I warned him of perhaps the greatest threat yet to the people of America, and indeed to the world, and he has treated it as a joke.

  Listen to me: it is essential that you cancel the recall order immediately and let my Rough Riders remain in Cuba. Furthermore, I want the entire army on standby notice, and if you’re wise you’ll transfer at least half of our forces to Florida, for that seems the likeliest spot for the invasion to begin.

  I will be coming to Washington to speak to McKinley personally and try to convince him of the danger facing us. Anything you can do to pave the way will be appreciated.

  Regards,

  Roosevelt

  ***

  Speech delivered from the balcony above the Columbia Restaurant, Tampa, Florida, August 3, 1898:

  My fellow Americans:

  It has lately come to your government’s attention that there is a threat to the national security—indeed, to the security of the world—that currently lurks in the jungles of Cuba. I have seen it with my own eyes, and I assure you that no matter what you may hear in the days and weeks to come, the danger is real and cannot be underestimated.

  Shortly after my Rough Riders took San Juan Hill, I encountered something in the nearby jungle so incredible that a description of it would only arouse your skepticism and your disbelief. It was a creature, quite probably intelligent, the likes of which has never before been seen on this Earth. I a
m, and always have been, a vociferous Darwinian, but despite my knowledge of the biological sciences, I cannot begin to hazard a guess concerning how this creature evolved.

  What I can tell you is that it has developed the ability to create weapons unlike any we have seen, and that it has no compunction about using them against human beings. It is an evil and malevolent life form, and it must be eradicated before it can turn its hatred loose against innocent Americans.

  I was fortunate enough to kill the one I encountered in Cuba, but where there is one there will certainly be more. The United States government was originally dubious about the veracity of my claim, but I gather than recent information forwarded to the White House and the State Department from England, where more of these creatures have appeared, has finally convinced them that I was telling the truth.

  Thus far none of the creatures has been discovered in the United States, but I say to you that it would be foolhardy to wait until they are found before coming up with an appropriate response. Americans have always been willing to make sacrifices and take up arms to defend their country, and this will be no exception. These creatures may have had their momentary successes against Cuban peasants and an unprepared Great Britain, but I tell you confidently they have no chance against an army of motivated Americans, driven by the indomitable American spirit and displaying the unshakable courage of all true Americans.

  To us as a people it has been granted to lay the foundations of our national life on a new continent. We are the heirs of the ages, and yet we have had to pay few of the penalties which in old countries are exacted by the bygone hand of a dead civilization. We have not been obliged to fight for our existence against any alien challenge—until now. I believe we are up to the challenge, and I am convinced that you believe so too.

  I am leaving for Miami tomorrow, and from there I will be departing for Cuba two days later, to lead my men into battle against however many of these creatures exist in the dank rotting jungles of that tropical island. I urge every red-blooded, able-bodied American among you to join me on this greatest of adventures.

  ***

  Letter to Kermit, Theodore Junior, Archie and Quentin Roosevelt, August 5, 1898:

  Dear Boys:

  Tomorrow I embark on a great and exciting safari. I’m sure the details will be wired back to the newspapers on a daily basis, but I promise that when I return, we’ll sit around a campfire at Sagamore Hill, and I’ll tell you all the stories that the press never reported. Not only that, but I will bring back a trophy for each and every one of you.

  School will be starting before I return. I expect each of you to go to class prepared for his lessons and to apply your minds as vigorously as you apply your bodies to the games you play at home. Had I been slow of wit or of body, I would not have survived my initial encounter with the creatures I shall be hunting in the coming days and weeks. Always remember that balance is the key in all things.

  Love,

  Father

  ***

  Letter (# 1,317) to Edith Carow Roosevelt, August 5, 1898:

  My Dearest Edith:

  My ship leaves tomorrow morning, so it will perhaps be some weeks before I have the opportunity to write to you again.

  Shortly I shall be off on the greatest hunt of my life. Give my love to the children. I wish the boys were just a little bit older, so that I could take them along on what promises to be the most exciting endeavor of my life.

  I am still trying to rid myself of the cold I picked up when I plunged into that river in Cuba, but other than that I feel fit as a bull moose. It will take a lot more than a strange beast and a runny nose to bring a true American to his knees. The coming days should be just bully!

  Your Theodore

  1910:

  Bully!

  This was the first Teddy Roosevelt story I wrote. I had written a lot about Africa, and about distant worlds that were thinly disguised African analogs, and my observation—made very clear in all my stories and novels—was and still is that colonization has always had a deleterious effect on both the colonizers and the colonized.

  One day I got a letter from a reader saying that he believed the fault lay with the Europeans, and that had America colonized Africa things would have worked out very differently. I had just finished reading all of Teddy’s twenty-plus books, and I thought: Okay, let’s let that greatest and most successful proponent of Americanism, Teddy Roosevelt, try his hand at it and see if things would have worked out any better.

  I even found the exact historical moment for the story to begin—and to prove it, I began with two authentic quotes, and the date I started skewing history, a practice I would use in more than half my Roosevelt stories. I also got to use my second favorite historical character, a scalawag named John Boyes, whose two memoirs I was able to bring back into print in a series of classic African adventures I edited a few years ago.

  Bully! was nominated for both the Hugo and the Nebula for Best Novella in 1991, and the Teddy Roosevelt stories were off and running.

  ***

  1

  “At midnight we had stopped at the station of Koba, where we were warmly received by the district commissioner, and where we met half a dozen of the professional elephant hunters, who for the most part make their money, at hazard of their lives, by poaching ivory in the Congo. They are a hard-bit set, these elephant poachers; there are few careers more adventurous, or fraught with more peril, or which make heavier demands upon the daring, the endurance, and the physical hardihood of those who follow them. Elephant hunters face death at every turn, from fever, from the assaults of warlike native tribes, from their conflicts with their giant quarry; and the unending strain on their health and strength is tremendous.”

  —Theodore Roosevelt

  AFRICAN GAME TRAILS “…When we were all assembled in my tent and champagne had been served out to everyone except Roosevelt—who insisted on drinking non-intoxicants, though his son Kermit joined us—he raised his glass and gave the toast ‘To the Elephant Poachers of the Lado Enclave.’ As we drank with him one or two of us laughingly protested his bluntness, so he gravely amended his toast to ‘The Gentleman Adventurers of Central Africa’, ‘for,’ he added, ‘that is the title by which you would have been known in Queen Elizabeth’s time.’

  “A real man, with the true outdoor spirit, the ex-President’s sympathy with and real envy of the life we were leading grew visibly as the evening advanced; and he finally left us with evident reluctance. I, for one, was shaken by the hand three times as he made for the door on three separate occasions; but each time, after hesitatingly listening to the beginning of some new adventure by one of the boys, he again sat down to hear another page from our every-day life. We even urged him to chuck all his political work and come out like the great white man he was, and join us. If he would do this, we promised to put a force under his command to organize the hunting and pioneering business of Central Africa, and perhaps make history. He was, I believe, deeply moved by this offer; and long afterwards he told a friend that no honor ever paid him had impressed and tempted him like that which he received from the poachers of the Lado Enclave.”

  —John Boyes

  THE COMPANY OF ADVENTURERS

  The date was January 8, 1910.

  ***

  Roosevelt walked to the door of the tent, then paused and turned back to face Boyes.

  “A force, you say?” he asked thoughtfully, as a lion coughed and a pair of hyenas laughed maniacally in the distance.

  “That’s right, Mr. President,” said Boyes, getting to his feet. “I can promise you at least fifty men like ourselves. They may not be much to look at, but they’ll be men who aren’t afraid to work or to fight, and each and every one of them will be loyal to you, sir.”

  “Father, it’s getting late,” called Kermit from outside the tent.

  “You go along,” said Roosevelt distractedly. “I’ll join you in a few minutes.” He turned back to Boyes. “Fifty men?”

  �
��That’s right, Mr. President.”

  “Fifty men to tame the whole of Central Africa?” mused Roosevelt.

  Boyes nodded. “That’s right. There’s seven of us right here; we could have the rest assembled inside of two weeks.”

  “It’s very tempting,” admitted Roosevelt, trying to suppress a guilty smile. “It would be a chance to be both a boy and a President again.”

  “The Congo would make one hell of a private hunting preserve, sir,” said Boyes.

  The American was silent for a moment, and finally shook his massive head. “It couldn’t be done,” he said at last. “Not with fifty men.”

  “No,” said Boyes. “I suppose not.”

  “There are no roads, no telephones, no telegraph lines.” Roosevelt paused, staring at the flickering lanterns that illuminated the interior of the tent. “And the railway ends in Uganda.”

  “No access to the sea, either,” agreed Boyes pleasantly, as the lion coughed again and a herd of hippos started bellowing in the nearby river.

  “No,” said Roosevelt with finality. “It simply couldn’t be done—not with fifty men, not with five thousand.”

  Boyes grinned. “Not a chance in the world.”

  “A man would have to be mad to consider it,” said Roosevelt.

  “I suppose so, Mr. President,” said Boyes.

  Roosevelt nodded his head for emphasis. “Totally, absolutely mad.”

  “No question about it,” said Boyes, still grinning at the burly American. “When do we start?”