Exploits Page 14

  9. The Scorpion Lady

  I'd pretty much had my fill of India, and I figured that I'd use Bainbridge's reward to get as far away from it as I could. It turned out that his notion of “generous” and mine differed considerably, and when the dust had cleared I found I only had enough money to fly to Siam.

  I landed in Bangkok, found out that most of the white folks stayed at the Oriental Hotel, checked into a room there, and then set out to find some sinners that were more in need of redemption than most.

  This led me to the Lumpini Stadium, where they were holding their nightly kick-boxing tournament, and when I heard that one of the combatants was named Moses I figured it was a signal from my Silent Partner and I put all my remaining money on him with one of the local bookmakers, and sure enough Moses kicked the bejabbers out of his opponent, and suddenly I had about six hundred dollars in my pocket, and I figured as long as God was looking over my shoulder there was no reason why I shouldn't let my money keep working for me.

  A couple of discreet inquiries led me to the Scorpion Club a few blocks away. It had an exotic-looking doorway, and inside there was a long bar, a bunch of itinerant belly-dancers, and a few gaming tables, and before trying my luck I decided to slake my thirst on something with just enough alcohol to kill any germs I might have picked up during the day.

  “Good evening, Father,” said a voice at my left, and I turned to see that a nattily-dressed Englishman had sat down next to me.

  “It's Reverend,” I said. “The Reverend Lucifer Jones, at your service.”

  “Reginald McCorkle,” he said, extending his hand. “It's very rare that one meets a man of the cloth in these surroundings.”

  “Trolling for sinners is a lot like trolling for fish,” I explained. “You got to go where they congregate.”

  “Makes sense, at that,” he agreed. “Will you allow me to buy you a drink?”

  “I suppose I could hold my natural generosity in check long enough to accept your kind offer,” I allowed. “You work around here, Brother McCorkle?”

  He nodded. “And yourself?”

  “I just stepped off the plane this afternoon,” I said.

  “You're staying at the Oriental, I presume?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “It's a nice enough temporary residence, until I decide where to build my tabernacle.”

  “It's about three miles away from here,” he noted. “How did you happen to find this place?”

  “It was highly recommended as a prime source of lost souls,” I answered.

  I was about to tell him about the kick-boxing, but just then the door opened and the most beautiful lady I ever did see walked in. She was Eurasian, and dressed in a slinky black gown, and she was wearing a necklace made of enormous pink pearls, and she had a huge jeweled scorpion pinned to her dress right between her lungs, and she had so many rings on her fingers that I figured it must have kept a diamond mine working all year around just supplying the stones for them. She glanced at me and Reginald McCorkle for just a second, and then walked over to a staircase and up to the second floor.

  “Close your mouth, Reverend Jones,” said McCorkle. “You never know what might fly into it in a place like this.”

  “I don't want to cut short an enjoyable conversation, Brother Reginald,” I said, “but I think I've just been smitten by Cupid's capricious arrow.”

  “She does have that effect on people,” said McCorkle.

  “You know her?” I asked.

  “I think just about everyone in Siam knows her, or at least knows of her,” he replied.

  “What's her name?”

  “She has more names than you can shake a stick at,” said McCorkle. “In this part of the world she's known as the Scorpion Lady.”

  “She gets around a lot, does she?” I asked.

  “Quite a lot.”

  “Good,” I said. “We can compare travel notes once we get to know each other.”

  “You don't want to get to know her, Reverend Jones,” continued McCorkle. “She's the most dangerous woman in all of Southeast Asia.”

  “A pretty little lady like that?” I said disbelievingly.

  He nodded. “She runs the biggest smuggling operation in Siam, and is probably responsible for half the murders in Bangkok. She's so powerful that even the notorious Doctor Aristotle Ho give her territory a wide berth.”

  “So what you're saying is that she's probably not responsible for half the murders in Bangkok,” I said, trying to look on the bright side.

  “She owns this club,” added McCorkle. “It's her headquarters whenever she's in the country.”

  “How do you know all this, Brother Reginald?” I asked him.

  “It's common knowledge. Ask anyone—or read a newspaper.”

  “Well, I thank you for all this advice,” I said, “and for the drink as well, but my heart's been overcome by the siren song of true love.”

  “I warn you, Reverend,” he said. “She's more than just a pretty face.”

  “I know,” I said. “She's got one of the finest sets of lungs it's ever been my rare privilege to encounter.”

  I figured any further conversation would just depress me, so I took my leave of him then and headed over to the stairway, and when no one tried to stop me, I climbed up to the second floor. There was a door opposite the stairs with a light coming out from under it, so I walked up to it and knocked.

  “Enter,” said the most melodious voice I ever heard, and I pushed the door open.

  She was sitting in front of a mirror, kind of admiring herself, which is just what I'd have done if I was her, and suddenly she spotted me in the mirror and turned to face me. “Who are you?” she demanded.

  “I'm the Honorable Right Reverend Doctor Lucifer Jones, Miss Scorpion Lady, ma'am, and I've come to tell you that you are the most beautiful sight to grace my eyes since I landed on this continent some four years ago, and also to inquire delicately as to your current marital status.”

  She just stared at me for a minute without saying a word. Then she smiled. “How flattering, Doctor Jones.”

  “Ma'am, you got a voice like unto a symphony,” I said. “Every word is a thing of undying beauty.”

  “Won't you have a seat, Doctor Jones?” said the Scorpion Lady.

  “Thank you, ma'am, I sure will,” I said, plopping myself down on a dainty little chair that had all kinds of mother-of-pearl designs inset in it. “And you can call me Lucifer.”

  “Thank you, Lucifer,” she said. “And you may call me the Scorpion Lady.”

  “Just as a nonsequitur, ma'am, ain't it scorpions that eat their husbands at a most indelicate point in their connubial relationship?”

  “No, those are black widow spiders, Lucifer,” she replied. “Why?”

  “Oh, no reason in particular, ma'am,” I said. “I was just kind of curious why such a gorgeous little lady, with a face like an angel and a tiny waistline and all other kinds of attributes would call herself the Scorpion Lady while some real high-class names like Fifi and Fatima are going begging.”

  “I have a passion for scorpions,” she replied. “As you can see, most of my jewelry is shaped into facsimiles of them.”

  “And mighty fine jewelry it is, ma'am,” I said, “though it pales into insignificance compared to your own beauty.”

  “I do believe you are trying to make me blush, Lucifer,” she said with a smile.

  “I ain't never seen an Oriental lady blush before,” I answered. “It might be a pretty interesting and educational experience.”

  “Some other time,” she said.

  “Your wish is my command,” I said. “You just name that other time and I'll be here with bells on.”

  “Why in the world would you want to wear bells?” she asked.

  “That's just a figure of speech, ma'am,” I explained. “Actually, what I'm trying to say is that you've won me over heart and soul.”

  “What if I don't want you, heart and soul?” she asked.

  “That ain
't my problem, ma'am,” I said. “I had enough trouble just finding you and falling in love. I don't hardly see that making you fall in love too can rightly be considered my responsibility.”

  “You have an interesting notion of romancing a woman, Lucifer,” she said.

  “I'm just here to announce my feelings and intentions,” I said. “The romancing comes a little later, after I've run my bankroll up at your tables downstairs. Though,” I added, “if you want to get a head start on the romancing, I got no serious objections to that. I could bring us up a couple of beers and lock the door behind me.”

  “I'm afraid I'm a bit busy right now.”

  “No problem,” I said. “I can come back in an hour or two, after you've slipped into something more comfortable, like maybe the bedroom.”

  “Is this the way you sweep them off their feet in America?” she asked with a smile.

  “Well, truth to tell, ma'am, I ain't been back to America in quite some time, and I ain't never encountered an American girl with your virtues. Or if she had ’em, they sure as hell weren't in the same places.”

  “I assume that's a compliment,” she said.

  “No, ma'am,” I said. “It's a statement of absolute fact. I know you got your detractors here in Bangkok, but I ain't one of ’em.”

  “Oh?” she said. “And who are my detractors?”

  “Well, one of ’em is an English feller named Reginald McCorkle, who was buying me drinks down in the bar until I was smitten by your rare and exotic beauty.”

  “What did Reginald McCorkle tell you?”

  “Nothing important,” I said. “Probably he just wants you for himself, which is an understandable but unacceptable position.”

  She stared at me for a long moment, while I stared right back, my attention kind of torn betwixt her jewelry and her lungs.

  “You are the most interesting man I have encountered in years, Lucifer,” she said at last. “I do believe I shall let you pay court to me.”

  “I knew you couldn't say no to a good-looking young buck like me!” I said happily. “And being as how I'm a man of the cloth, it'll likely do wonders for your reputation too.”

  “There are a few ground rules we have to agree to, Lucifer,” she said.

  I wasn't aware that sex had any different ground rules in Siam than anywhere else in the world, but I perked up and paid attention, just so I wouldn't break no local taboos and wind up in the hoosegow while the Scorpion Lady wasted away grieving after me.

  “I do not tolerate any competition,” she said. “If you make a commitment to me, you make it willingly and totally.”

  “You got it,” I said. “Should I get the drinks now?”

  “I'm not finished,” she said. “I also pledge to make a total commitment. If we are to become romantically involved, everything I have is yours.” She paused. “That includes my nightclub, my house, my business interests, everything.”

  “I suppose I could adjust to that,” I allowed.

  “From this moment on, you are a full partner, Lucifer,” she said. “In fact, I think that, starting tomorrow morning, I will turn my import-export business over to you.”

  “Well, that's mighty generous of you, Scorpion Lady,” I said. “And I promise you won't be sorry you done it.”

  She got to her feet. “As I said, I have business to attend to tonight, but why don't you come back at, shall we say, six o'clock in the morning?”

  “I'll bring my toothbrush, my pajamas, and me,” I promised.

  She walked me to the door, then grabbed me and gave me one of the more memorable kisses I'd ever got from a gorgeous lady smuggler, and then I was out in the hall and I heard the door lock behind me.

  I climbed down the stairs, and walked over to the bar for a celebratory drink, and found Reginald McCorkle still sitting there.

  “Well?” he said.

  “Brother Reginald,” I said, “you were dead wrong. She's the sweetest, prettiest, friendliest flower in all of Siam's gardens.”

  “I take it you hit it off with her?”

  “You might say that.”

  “It's too bad,” he said.

  “You may have seen her first,” I said, “but I spoke up first. Try to be a good loser, Brother Reginald.”

  “I don't plan to be any kind of loser at all, Reverend,” he replied.

  “You're too late,” I said. “She's head over heels in love with me.”

  He pulled out his wallet and flashed a couple of official-looking cards at me. “Do you know what this means?” he said.

  “It means you're a civil service employee,” I answered.

  “Read it carefully, Reverend Jones,” he said. “I am in charge of the British High Commission in Siam. We've been after the Scorpion Lady for three years.”

  “That ain't none of my concern,” I said.

  “I hope to make it your concern,” he said. “I want to enlist your help.”

  “Out of the question, Brother Reginald,” I said. “I love her with a mad and all-encompassing passion.”

  “I just want you to consider it.”

  “Never,” I said. “She's the heart of my heart and soul of my soul.”

  “I should add that there's a million-pound reward for any information leading to her capture and conviction,” he said.

  “On the other hand, she's just a woman,” I said. “I can always get more.”

  He grinned. “I knew I could appeal to your better nature. When are you seeing her again?”

  “Six in the morning.”

  “I'll tell you what,” he said. “I'll be waiting in that little restaurant across the street. As soon as you leave here, come over and we'll discuss what you've learned.”

  Well, I figured the best he could expect was a lecture on whatever Oriental love techniques I learned, but I agreed to meet with him, and then I started walking back to the hotel, but a couple of ladies of the evening stopped me and struck up a conversation, and I decided that by the time I got to the hotel I'd just have to turn around and walk right back to the Black Scorpion, and besides I couldn't see that my pledge of eternal fidelity officially took effect until six in the morning, so one thing kind of led to another, and I left their company at about five o'clock, feeling mightily refreshed and ready to seize the day at such time as it should make an appearance.

  I was banging away at the door to the Black Scorpion at six on the dot, and the Scorpion Lady clambered down the stairs and let me in.

  “Here I am in all my masculine glory,” I told her. “You ready to play Romeo and Juliet, or have you got something more exotic and Oriental in mind?”

  “Ah, Lucifer,” she said sadly, “I wish that I had time to introduce you to the more esoteric delights of the flesh, but we have a business to run. It will simply have to wait.”

  “It will?” I said.

  She nodded. “You are in charge of my import-export business, remember?” she said.

  “I had in mind something more in the way of importing a little ecstasy to you and exporting the memories of a brief but happy encounter with me when I left here,” I said.

  “Tonight,” she promised me. “But for now, you have work to do.”

  “Tonight for sure?”

  “For sure,” she said.

  “Okay,” I said. “What do I have to do?”

  “In the alley behind the Black Scorpion you will find an empty truck with the keys in the ignition,” she said. “I want you to take it to the Acme Fertilizer Company on Phaya Tai Road and pick up a shipment from them.”

  “A shipment of what?”

  “Fertilizer, of course,” she said. “Then drive to the river and pull up to the Scorpion Freight Company.”

  “And then what?” I asked.

  She smiled. “That's all. Just leave the truck there and come home. They'll unload it and return it tonight.”

  “Let me get this straight,” I said. “I pick up a load of fertilizer from Acme, I drive it over to your shipping company, and that's everyt
hing?”

  “That's right.”

  “Son of a gun,” I said. “I thought there was more to running a million-dollar business than that. I'll be here by noontime.”

  “You may be,” she said, “but I won't be back until nine in the evening. I'll be waiting for you then.”

  “You won't have long to wait,” I promised her.

  “All right,” she said, starting to shut the door. “I'll see you then, Lucifer.”

  “As long as I got all day, I don't suppose there's no harm in my going across the street and grabbing a little breakfast first,” I said.

  “None at all,” she said. “Until tonight, my love.”

  “Til tonight, my ... uh ... scorpion,” I replied, and then I moseyed across the street and sat myself down at a table. Reginald McCorkle pulled up a chair a minute later.

  “Well?” he said.

  “I got to pick up a shipment of fertilizer at the Acme Fertilizer Company and deliver it to the Scorpion Freight Company,” I told him.

  “When?” he asked.

  “No particular time,” I said. “Long as I deliver it before dark, there ain't no problem.”

  “That's it?” he said. “No other pick-ups, no stops in between?”

  “That's it.”

  “Then we've got her!” he exclaimed. “You'll drive directly to Acme, fill up the truck by seven o'clock, and then take it to a secret warehouse that I've leased on Set Siri Road. We'll have almost ten hours to discover what she's smuggling before you have to drive to her freight office. This is the break we've been waiting for, Reverend Jones!”

  “I got a special request, Brother Reginald,” I said.

  “What is it?”

  “Whatever we find, don't arrest her before midnight.”

  “Oh? Why not?”